32

I turn 32 today. Actually, about 17 minutes from now exactly (Georgia time). And 17 is my favorite number. Huh. Fancy that.

I woke this morning, crawled out of bed and took the first few steps into my 33rd year on this earth. I thought "I'll do some yoga." If you know me, you know that I loathe yoga, but am trying desperately to teach myself to love it. And I did today. I loved it. I took a moment to really appreciate this body that has carried me through these 32 years. I thanked it for holding up through all the music festivals and plays, through softball and stage combat, and what seemed at times to be an endless amount of tears.

As I laid there at the end of my workout...or session...or whatever you call it....preparing for the day, expressing my gratitude for it....a sadness came over me. I realized in that moment that I was now officially older than my brother. My Bubba, who will eternally be 31....and here I am. 32. It didn't seem right. He was older. Was always supposed to be older. To show me the way, teach me how to do this life thing.

I also realized that not a special occasion goes by....not a birthday, an anniversary...hell, not even a Tuesday goes by without me thinking about him. And I think it will always be that way. And I hope it will always be that way. Other people may not understand. I see it whenever I mention his name. People get uncomfortable. Its like they don't know how to deal with death. Well...I do. I carry it with me. But not in a terrible sad, lonely way. How do I explain it......

Its like....losing Brian created this permanent break in my heart. A crack that will never heal. It will always be there. I will always carry it with me. And on birthdays and Christmases it will always sting a little, remind me that its there. A tear will come to my eye a first, but it will fade as the smile comes to my face. Because that break in my heart represents the love and laughter and lifetime of memories we made in the 24 years we had together. And as soon as its done hurting for those few moments, it will relax into joy and gratitude...because my brother is and will always be with me.

(Whoa...there it is! 6:54 pm! I was born right now 32 years ago!)

After the sadness passed, after saying "Thank You" to my Bubs for the little birthday hello....my mind shifted to another man. The man sleeping in the room just a few feet away. Next to my life itself (for which I thank my sweet Mama and Daddy), that sleeping man is the greatest gift I've been given in all my 32 years. My darling husband has made this birthday so special. He makes everyday special. I know it sounds super cheesy, but its true. And to all the doubters and haters out there that don't believe love and life and marriage can be like this....I say to you....YES! IT IS REAL! YOU CAN BE THIS HAPPY! You just have to find it and not settle for anything less. Journey said it best....Don't stop believing.

The rest of this day has been a typical (in the most wonderful way) birthday. Lots of love, well wishes, facebook shout-outs. Mike met me for lunch and has been giving me little Georgia Bulldog tokens throughout the day. A decal for my car at breakfast, a koozie at lunch....I'm told there is a third for dinner! I returned from lunch to find that my incredible parents sent me the most beautiful flowers. Its been just plain lovely.

I don't really have much to say with this post. I really just started writing, wanting to reflect on 32, reflect on a birthday. I guess if there was one thing I'd want you to take away from this its.....celebrate yourself. Don't be afraid to celebrate you! Don't be afraid to let others celebrate you. Yes, the people that love you should do so everyday and not just on a special occasion, but what's wrong with having one day of the year set aside for you? Open your heart to it and send every ounce of gratitude you have back into the universe. Be glad that you're alive. Be grateful for every day you've had. Embrace the pain and the joy and the experience of each little thing. I am overflowing with love today. In awe of where this life has taken me. Thank you all for it. I'm going to carry it with me now as I go for crazy delicious food truck tacos with my soul sisters and husband. The birthday continues! Life continues.


I am grateful for this day and all the love that I have found in it. I hope you are too.