On your mark, get set....for goodness sake....GO!

I've been wanting to start a new blog for ...oh....quite some time now. Probably since I finished the last one, which closed out on my 30th birthday. 

Well, my 32nd birthday is tomorrow. Like I said, quite some time.

I just couldn't seem to get off the mark. I felt the need to define it. What I'd be writing, how I'd be writing it. What's the point to all the madness???!?!?!

I even have a carefully constructed post that's been sitting, been worked, been reworked, and yet still sitting. Waiting to be published. But I've never been too happy with it.

Why? Because it’s crafted. It’s not from my heart. It’s from my mind...The last stop for most things in my life. The final filter before I let something out into the world. I am a heart driven person. It’s where all of me originates....but it all reaches the oh-so-powerful filter that is my mind, where I take something pure and stifle it, squeeze it, cram it into what I think the world will accept, or appreciate, or laugh at (in the right way). Everything must get filtered so that I am safe. Secure. So that the thought or the feeling or the opinion is suited and dressed up properly for this day and age.

And you know what happens? Most things never even make it out of the gate. They don't pass brain-filter-standards and are sent back to be locked up or burned in the incinerator like Veruca Salt down the garbage chute. 

The thoughts and feelings that do make it out are so carefully crafted and polished to a shine that sometimes I don't even recognize them as mine anymore. Or even agree with them! Just as long as it sounds good, doesn't offend anyone, and plays nice with all the other thoughts on the playground.

It’s a control thing. It’s a perfectionist thing. Its fear. And worry. And doubt.

And, without me realizing it, until now, it had slowly eaten up my confidence and quieted my soul.....

So much so that even a simple little blog post, which was started over a year ago, has been sitting...doing nothing. Occasionally being looked over, worked on, polished. I finally "finished" it the other day. Finished it...and had absolutely no excitement to post it. It had been so "Susanized" that I didn't even know if I liked the concept anymore. 

Now, if you can stick with me, I'm going to "Inception" you for a second.....I'm going to post the draft I finished below.....

Ready.... Set.... GO!

Original Post - Begun in 500 BC 

Magic and Salt - These are the things I live for.

These are the things that light me up, that make me feel alive, that ease my worries, calm my mind, fill my soul... and my tummy.

Magic...and Salt.

Now, of course, I don't mean card tricks or the sawing in half of flashy-clad-assistants. And I don't mean a mineral substance composed primarily of sodium chloride. (Yes. I had to look that up.)

By magic....I mean moments. Moments of wonder, of sheer luck, of earth shattering romance. Moments that take your breath away. Moments that you can never really explain to another soul and often times don't dare to. Moments of heart swelling gratitude, of immense beauty. Moments that stop your mouth and speed your pulse.

Moments...that make you believe in the human race again. They're out there.

That kind of magic. It’s everywhere. Sometimes it knocks you over the head (that's the kind we're used to.... The moments that sweep you off your feet). But I think there's more...a lot more...more that we're missing on a daily basis because we're simply not aware. We spend our seconds on this earth rushing from one place to another, from one task to another and we miss out...on the magic.

And I guess this is just where I am hoping to hold those moments. This blog...It's my safe, or my vault, my fire fly jar of sorts. I'll collect them here for those of you that care to share....and for myself. To revisit the magic when things get rough, or celebrate it when things are grand.

The same goes for the "salt" aspect. Here I will hold my kitchen creations for reference.....To have record of the chocolate cake I made when I was down. The zucchini spaghetti I make when I'm feeling a bit too round in places. The recipes that remind me of my mother and take me home to Georgia in a single bite. The weird "what's in the cupboard" concoctions that, somehow, my husband seems to love, bless his heart.

And that's where we start. In search of the magic this world offers every waking moment....and the food that fuels that search.

I have been trying to focus my life with gratitude and love. It’s so easy to fall victim to negativity, to get wrapped up in worry, or judgment, or fear. So these pages will be used to bring light. I can't promise that I won't get on a soap box now and then. I can't promise there won't be dark days. But I can promise that I will do my best to find the light even in the dimmest situation.

I will write of wonder. I will write of beauty, simplicity, and love. I will write of gratitude. And I will write of cheese.

I will give advice as best can and always from the heart. I will try to give voice to my opinions. A voice that has somehow been lost, or stifled at least, over the years as my confidence slipped further down the drain. I will build that confidence, I will speak my mind. I will do it with love and I will grant myself mercies in the process, as I'm sure it won't be easy.

I will share with you the way I see the world....or at least the way I am trying to see the world. And I might even share my meatloaf recipe.

Maybe.

Yup. Back to me. Today's me, at least. 

Now, do I still feel that way...believe those things? Yes?? I loved the magic and salt concept, but I carried it around inside for so long that I felt it was only mine...and the only way to share it was to OVERLY explain every detail. I boxed myself in to this idea. This ONE idea that I hoped would carry me through a long period of happy blogging! And what it did....was hold me back from starting anything. 

So today...I sat down to write this. I started about 15 minutes ago and haven't looked back to see where it’s gone. No attempts to find flowery words or poetic imagery. Just sit. And write. I have tried to let my heart lead, to write what I am feeling in the here and now, to give my pesky head filter a break. I will post and I will not edit. (Though I will run spell-check because I wasn't raised in a barn!) 

And THAT, my dear friends, will be what this blog is.

Whatever the heck I want it to be in whatever moment I find myself in.

I am grateful for this day...and all the love that I've found in it. I hope you are too.