A Perfect Day

Yesterday was the perfect day.

I didn’t win the lottery or weigh in 10 lbs under, there were no great discoveries, nothing grand or spectacular…..but still as perfect as a Sunday can get.

I woke up and went to my Bar Method class. Starting the day off right, feeling strong and inspired in my recommitment to my body….for myself, for my future, for baby Frieman (whenever he or she may come along). Then home to my husband for coffee and the Packers game. At half time we met friends for a spectacular brunch for dear sweet Kate’s birthday, where got to celebrate her life as we watched the Packers win in the last 6 seconds of the game. Then off to my dear friend Jenn’s house for some long overdue girl time. Curled up on the bed with my girls talking about life and love. Though there are hard times about and we’re all dealing with things, it’s still feels good to be there with and for my friends.

But wait…there’s more! In the late afternoon, my husband and I left to drive down to Orange County for friendship and music. The entire way down the sun was spilling through the car window and flooding my face with warmth. I couldn’t stop grinning. We met our friends Adam and Adrienne, who Mike and I have decided is the couple we should grow old with, for dinner and Dawes. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am very passionate about Dawes’ music. I can’t even start going into it now, because this post will be six thousand words and I will most likely sound like a crazy person…..but if you don’t know them, stop what you’re doing right now and go listen. DO IT!

If there is ever a way to end a perfect day, it’s by seeing your favorite band play in a very small, intimate setting. To hear new songs and old favorites surrounded by people you love. Having not a single tall guy stand in front of you and a direct line of sight to the band that plays the music that speaks to you, that your heart understands, the music that makes everything ok. I felt like I was in on a secret. That they were playing just for me. And they were, I guess. In a way.

And then they close with my favorite song. A song that has been there for me in sad times, in angry times, and, in that moment last night, a blissfully happy time. There’s really no feeling in the world like hearing your favorite song played live. Just nothing like it.

I was beaming. So much so that my mouth hurt from smiling.

With the exception of the dinner restaurant not having pickles...(You sell burgers, guy. Buy  a jar of pickles! Come on, man!)....It was the perfect day. 

Nothing made the earth move. I didn’t answer any cosmic questions.

It was just a day. A day spent with my husband, who I am madly in love with. A day spent celebrating friends and comforting friends, a day spent eating, laughing, and dancing with friends. A day of good food, incredible soul-speaking music, and falling asleep in the arms of the one I love. A very simple….but perfect….day. 

And this all leads me to believe that we have more perfect days than we probably realize. We just need to be open to them. We just have to be grateful for the moments we have with the people we love. To fully embrace the things that bring you joy and let them flood you from the bottom to the top. Too often we let worry or fear or aggravations flood us, we let them fill every crevice so that there is no room left for happiness and gratitude. And too often I have let worry about tomorrow cause me to miss what could have been a perfect day today.

Life is hard. Things can be terrible. So grab every minute of joy that you can. Be open. Be grateful.This just might be a perfect day.

I am grateful for this day and all the love that I have found in it. I hope you are too.

Foot note: Oh...the song? My favorite song? Dawes: A Little Bit of Everything. Maybe give it a listen. Or it may find you when you need it most.

I’ll leave you with a quote from the song….

Oh, it's a little bit of everything
It's the matador and the bull
It's the suggested daily dosage
It is the red moon when it's full

All these psychics and these doctors
They're all right and they're all wrong
It's like trying to make out every word
When they should simply hum along

It's not some message written in the dark
Or some truth that no one's seen
It's a little bit of everything

Just Do It

I let it happen. I fell victim to the "aw, man, i'm not inspired to write about anything, so i'll just sit and do nothing" attitude again. I've had three different people in the last few days ask about this blog. And I gave all three the same answer...."Oh, I just haven't felt inspired."

Well.....that is ridiculous. Its lazy. Waiting for inspiration to come is like waiting for rain to fall in Southern California. Hey...It could happen!

I recently stumbled upon an incredible post from Mark Manson's blog entitled "The Do Something Principle." I highly recommend you read it: http://markmanson.net/do-something/ The gist is "Action isn’t just the effect of motivation, but also the cause of it." So, if you are lacking the inspiration, the motivation....then get off your well rounded and cushiony booty and DO SOMETHING. The very action itself will inspire, will motivate, will set the ball in motion. You know the one... that ball that's been sitting there on the shelf collecting dust and reminding you that you are drowning in a stagnant pond of non-artistic sludge. At least, that's what mine is saying, as it looks down upon me in its ball-like judgement.

So here I am. Taking action. I have sat down and opened this page with no plan, no outline, no idea what I'm going to write about.

And its terrifying.

I often find myself terrified these days. And by "these days" I mean the past decade or so of my life. But I am so tired of fear. Yes, some use it as a motivator, but I find myself buried under it, more often than not. It keeps me from writing, for fear of offending someone, saying the wrong thing, or opening a can of worms that I am (again) afraid to dive into. Its a fear of standing up for and beside my beliefs....maybe because I'm not sure what they are. I'm scared to make art for fear of judgement. I'm afraid of the dark. I am terrified each and every time that I leave the presence of someone i love that it may be the last time I see them.

Fear has had me running for so long. But how do I overcome it? How do I let go of a fear. It seems impossible. How do you just stop...being afraid.

I don't have the answer. But as I'm typing this, I'm reminded again of The Do Something Principle. Maybe to overcome them, we must simply face them. Take action against them. One at a time.

And hey! Look at that! I guess I am. I'm writing. I'm letting my fingers move and trying not to let my head get too much in the way. Maybe these little digits will get crazy and spin out a poem, or a picture, an outline, or....whoa Nelly....maybe even an opinion! What?!? I just have to keep them moving. Keep writing. Let the action bring the motivation, the inspiration....and overcome...the fear.

I recently overcame, what has been in the past, a paralyzing fear. I sang at my dear friend Angela's wedding. I got up there with my husband and we sang together. Before I went up, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, my stomach was turning, and there was not enough wine at the party to calm me down.

But I did it.

And I enjoyed it. Immensely! I always knew that I would, but I always let fear win in the past. Now, am I suddenly over this particular form of stage fright? No. Next time the opportunity arises, will I shake and churn and come quite close to vomiting? Probably. But it will get better each time. Because I want it. I don't have a desire to make music for a living, but I hope to be able to sing my babies to sleep with my husband one day. So, I will, slowly but surely, overcome this fear. I will do this for myself. And I will write. I will do it because I want to, because it makes me happy. I will make art and I will not be afraid to figure out what that means to me now.

And when leaving the presence of the ones I love...well...I will still kiss and hug and profess my love in abundance....but not because I fear it may be the last time....but rather because to love and be loved is the whole point of this life. I will love them so well that there is no need to fear.

So....a challenge? What is something you are afraid of? What steps can you take to stare it in the face?

Now, of course, this should be a fear keeping you from something you want, something you enjoy. I'm not saying that if you're afraid of lions that you should sneak into a zoo and ride one....or if you're scared of germs, to go lick a toilet. But if you're scared to dance, but have always wanted to....go take a class. If you dream of seeing the world, but are scared to fly....book a flight! It doesn't need to be as big as that, of course. Fears come in all shapes and sizes and you'll know in your heart the one you want to conquer. Baby steps or big steps...just do something.

And once you've done that....maybe try another...and another.

I'm going to try and keep writing. I am going to try and keep singing with my hubs. I'm going to try and crawl out from under the fear that has weighed me down and kept me quiet. I hope you find one you want to face....and I hope you slay your fear dragon! Slay it goooood.




I am grateful for this day and all the love that I have found in it. I hope you are too.

32

I turn 32 today. Actually, about 17 minutes from now exactly (Georgia time). And 17 is my favorite number. Huh. Fancy that.

I woke this morning, crawled out of bed and took the first few steps into my 33rd year on this earth. I thought "I'll do some yoga." If you know me, you know that I loathe yoga, but am trying desperately to teach myself to love it. And I did today. I loved it. I took a moment to really appreciate this body that has carried me through these 32 years. I thanked it for holding up through all the music festivals and plays, through softball and stage combat, and what seemed at times to be an endless amount of tears.

As I laid there at the end of my workout...or session...or whatever you call it....preparing for the day, expressing my gratitude for it....a sadness came over me. I realized in that moment that I was now officially older than my brother. My Bubba, who will eternally be 31....and here I am. 32. It didn't seem right. He was older. Was always supposed to be older. To show me the way, teach me how to do this life thing.

I also realized that not a special occasion goes by....not a birthday, an anniversary...hell, not even a Tuesday goes by without me thinking about him. And I think it will always be that way. And I hope it will always be that way. Other people may not understand. I see it whenever I mention his name. People get uncomfortable. Its like they don't know how to deal with death. Well...I do. I carry it with me. But not in a terrible sad, lonely way. How do I explain it......

Its like....losing Brian created this permanent break in my heart. A crack that will never heal. It will always be there. I will always carry it with me. And on birthdays and Christmases it will always sting a little, remind me that its there. A tear will come to my eye a first, but it will fade as the smile comes to my face. Because that break in my heart represents the love and laughter and lifetime of memories we made in the 24 years we had together. And as soon as its done hurting for those few moments, it will relax into joy and gratitude...because my brother is and will always be with me.

(Whoa...there it is! 6:54 pm! I was born right now 32 years ago!)

After the sadness passed, after saying "Thank You" to my Bubs for the little birthday hello....my mind shifted to another man. The man sleeping in the room just a few feet away. Next to my life itself (for which I thank my sweet Mama and Daddy), that sleeping man is the greatest gift I've been given in all my 32 years. My darling husband has made this birthday so special. He makes everyday special. I know it sounds super cheesy, but its true. And to all the doubters and haters out there that don't believe love and life and marriage can be like this....I say to you....YES! IT IS REAL! YOU CAN BE THIS HAPPY! You just have to find it and not settle for anything less. Journey said it best....Don't stop believing.

The rest of this day has been a typical (in the most wonderful way) birthday. Lots of love, well wishes, facebook shout-outs. Mike met me for lunch and has been giving me little Georgia Bulldog tokens throughout the day. A decal for my car at breakfast, a koozie at lunch....I'm told there is a third for dinner! I returned from lunch to find that my incredible parents sent me the most beautiful flowers. Its been just plain lovely.

I don't really have much to say with this post. I really just started writing, wanting to reflect on 32, reflect on a birthday. I guess if there was one thing I'd want you to take away from this its.....celebrate yourself. Don't be afraid to celebrate you! Don't be afraid to let others celebrate you. Yes, the people that love you should do so everyday and not just on a special occasion, but what's wrong with having one day of the year set aside for you? Open your heart to it and send every ounce of gratitude you have back into the universe. Be glad that you're alive. Be grateful for every day you've had. Embrace the pain and the joy and the experience of each little thing. I am overflowing with love today. In awe of where this life has taken me. Thank you all for it. I'm going to carry it with me now as I go for crazy delicious food truck tacos with my soul sisters and husband. The birthday continues! Life continues.


I am grateful for this day and all the love that I have found in it. I hope you are too.

On your mark, get set....for goodness sake....GO!

I've been wanting to start a new blog for ...oh....quite some time now. Probably since I finished the last one, which closed out on my 30th birthday. 

Well, my 32nd birthday is tomorrow. Like I said, quite some time.

I just couldn't seem to get off the mark. I felt the need to define it. What I'd be writing, how I'd be writing it. What's the point to all the madness???!?!?!

I even have a carefully constructed post that's been sitting, been worked, been reworked, and yet still sitting. Waiting to be published. But I've never been too happy with it.

Why? Because it’s crafted. It’s not from my heart. It’s from my mind...The last stop for most things in my life. The final filter before I let something out into the world. I am a heart driven person. It’s where all of me originates....but it all reaches the oh-so-powerful filter that is my mind, where I take something pure and stifle it, squeeze it, cram it into what I think the world will accept, or appreciate, or laugh at (in the right way). Everything must get filtered so that I am safe. Secure. So that the thought or the feeling or the opinion is suited and dressed up properly for this day and age.

And you know what happens? Most things never even make it out of the gate. They don't pass brain-filter-standards and are sent back to be locked up or burned in the incinerator like Veruca Salt down the garbage chute. 

The thoughts and feelings that do make it out are so carefully crafted and polished to a shine that sometimes I don't even recognize them as mine anymore. Or even agree with them! Just as long as it sounds good, doesn't offend anyone, and plays nice with all the other thoughts on the playground.

It’s a control thing. It’s a perfectionist thing. Its fear. And worry. And doubt.

And, without me realizing it, until now, it had slowly eaten up my confidence and quieted my soul.....

So much so that even a simple little blog post, which was started over a year ago, has been sitting...doing nothing. Occasionally being looked over, worked on, polished. I finally "finished" it the other day. Finished it...and had absolutely no excitement to post it. It had been so "Susanized" that I didn't even know if I liked the concept anymore. 

Now, if you can stick with me, I'm going to "Inception" you for a second.....I'm going to post the draft I finished below.....

Ready.... Set.... GO!

Original Post - Begun in 500 BC 

Magic and Salt - These are the things I live for.

These are the things that light me up, that make me feel alive, that ease my worries, calm my mind, fill my soul... and my tummy.

Magic...and Salt.

Now, of course, I don't mean card tricks or the sawing in half of flashy-clad-assistants. And I don't mean a mineral substance composed primarily of sodium chloride. (Yes. I had to look that up.)

By magic....I mean moments. Moments of wonder, of sheer luck, of earth shattering romance. Moments that take your breath away. Moments that you can never really explain to another soul and often times don't dare to. Moments of heart swelling gratitude, of immense beauty. Moments that stop your mouth and speed your pulse.

Moments...that make you believe in the human race again. They're out there.

That kind of magic. It’s everywhere. Sometimes it knocks you over the head (that's the kind we're used to.... The moments that sweep you off your feet). But I think there's more...a lot more...more that we're missing on a daily basis because we're simply not aware. We spend our seconds on this earth rushing from one place to another, from one task to another and we miss out...on the magic.

And I guess this is just where I am hoping to hold those moments. This blog...It's my safe, or my vault, my fire fly jar of sorts. I'll collect them here for those of you that care to share....and for myself. To revisit the magic when things get rough, or celebrate it when things are grand.

The same goes for the "salt" aspect. Here I will hold my kitchen creations for reference.....To have record of the chocolate cake I made when I was down. The zucchini spaghetti I make when I'm feeling a bit too round in places. The recipes that remind me of my mother and take me home to Georgia in a single bite. The weird "what's in the cupboard" concoctions that, somehow, my husband seems to love, bless his heart.

And that's where we start. In search of the magic this world offers every waking moment....and the food that fuels that search.

I have been trying to focus my life with gratitude and love. It’s so easy to fall victim to negativity, to get wrapped up in worry, or judgment, or fear. So these pages will be used to bring light. I can't promise that I won't get on a soap box now and then. I can't promise there won't be dark days. But I can promise that I will do my best to find the light even in the dimmest situation.

I will write of wonder. I will write of beauty, simplicity, and love. I will write of gratitude. And I will write of cheese.

I will give advice as best can and always from the heart. I will try to give voice to my opinions. A voice that has somehow been lost, or stifled at least, over the years as my confidence slipped further down the drain. I will build that confidence, I will speak my mind. I will do it with love and I will grant myself mercies in the process, as I'm sure it won't be easy.

I will share with you the way I see the world....or at least the way I am trying to see the world. And I might even share my meatloaf recipe.

Maybe.

Yup. Back to me. Today's me, at least. 

Now, do I still feel that way...believe those things? Yes?? I loved the magic and salt concept, but I carried it around inside for so long that I felt it was only mine...and the only way to share it was to OVERLY explain every detail. I boxed myself in to this idea. This ONE idea that I hoped would carry me through a long period of happy blogging! And what it did....was hold me back from starting anything. 

So today...I sat down to write this. I started about 15 minutes ago and haven't looked back to see where it’s gone. No attempts to find flowery words or poetic imagery. Just sit. And write. I have tried to let my heart lead, to write what I am feeling in the here and now, to give my pesky head filter a break. I will post and I will not edit. (Though I will run spell-check because I wasn't raised in a barn!) 

And THAT, my dear friends, will be what this blog is.

Whatever the heck I want it to be in whatever moment I find myself in.

I am grateful for this day...and all the love that I've found in it. I hope you are too.